Skydiving for the first time: a stream of consciousness
Oh man we're actually going there
I'm tired, let me take a nap
Oh god we're actually here
Oh god there are old-timey planes with propellers on the nose
Okay, other people survived their dive, that's good
Why am I paying hundreds of dollars to jump out of a plane this is the dumbest thing I've ever done
This waiver is listing all the ways in which I'm gonna die
You know what, I'm okay with dying here - I had a good last meal, and this is a badass way to go, we had a good run
I'm gonna be a statistic
"SKYDIVING IS NOT SAFE YOU ARE GOING TO DIE YOUR INSTRUCTORS ARE GROSSLY NEGLIGENT sign here"
Okay waiver has been signed, I need to take a shit
Poop's not coming out
Okay now watch this video that says the opposite of what the waiver was saying
Now lie on the ground and demonstrate how weak your core muscles are
Time to put on a harness
Oh god I really need to take a shit
Poop is coming out
How many times do I need to wipe holy shit
Am I gonna miss my plane because I was wiping for too long
Fuck it I'll just change underwear when I get home
Okay jumpsuit harness drop off phone wallet in small locker go go go
Oh god we're getting on a plane with no seats
Oh god the plane is moving and the door's still open
Fuck me why did I do this
We're taking off fuck fuck fuck fuck
This plane is rising FAST
My instructor is trying to make conversation
I wonder if he can see how much I'm freaking out
Are we there yet? Oh wait no we're not even halfway there
Fuck my shoe is untied I need to tie my shoe with these gloves on I don't want my shoe to fall off
Okay, breathe, calm, we can do this, mind over matter, come on
Oh wow we're above the clouds
That's a mountain peeking up above the clouds, woah
This is really cool
Oh god we're almost there aren't we
Fuck the light just went off
Oh fuck they're opening the door
DID THAT GUY JUST WALK OUT TO HANG ON THE SIDE OF THE PLANE HOLY SHIT
okay my friend just jumped out
Okay the other person ahead of me just jumped out
Who's next?
Is it me or him?
My instructor's scooting me forward towards the door
It's me isn't it
Uh well that's the door
Okay, remember your training, legs reach back to touch the plane
HOLY FUCK THIS WIND IS FAST I'M GONNA FALL OUT THERE'S NO WAY I CAN SIT HERE TO TOUCH THE PLANE HE'S PUSHING ME FORWARD I'M SLIPPING OUT FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK GRIP THE JUMPSUIT
AHDHSGSCEYSHEJDKSGSFADAFWRAGSHSBSTSCEJSKSVAGAFADADAFAVSHSUSHWHWHDBSHAHACASAGSHEBSGWHWH HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO STABILIZE MY LEGS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUIIUICK
FUCK THIS IS REAL WHY DID I DO THIS THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
BREATHE
BREATHE
STICK OUT YOUR ARMS
JUST BREATHE THIS IS GONNA BE OVER SOON JUST BREATHE AND YOU'LL LIVE AAAAAA BREATHE IN NOW BREATHE OUT NO BREATHE THROUGH YOUR TEETH NO JUST DO WHATEVER JUST BREATHE OH GOD CLOUDS I CAN'T BREATHE
ARE MY SHOES STILL ON YES GOOD BREATHE
FFFFFFFFFUCK THE PARACHUTE JUST OPENED
HOLY FUCK
I can talk!
Okay I don't know what to do with my arms just grip the jumpsuit oh god my legs are just dangling there am i gonna fall
Oh wow this view is amazing
Maybe don't look into the sunset and blind yourself though
Is my instructor seriously handing me the parachute handles casually like this
I can actually just reach out and grab these? I don't have to hang on to anything to avoid falling? Don't risk it, grip the jumpsuit with one hand while you reach for the handle
Okay I have both handles, oh wow this is like Pilotwings
Could we get the Pilotwings music playing?
I'm gonna listen to it when I get home
I can actually turn this thing, this is awesome (and really easy)
Okay instructor wants the handles back, grip jumpsuit again crap I can't reach
Okay he just pulled one handle really hard OH FUCK FUCK FUCK WE'RE GONNA DIE
THAT WASN'T FUNNY
Oh man the ground is approaching really fast
And that's where we're supposed to land
Oh god my hip mobility is so bad I don't know if I can do this
This is gonna be one of those injuries they warn you about in the waiver
My spine is gonna break on impact or some shit
I really hope instructor man tilts us up before landing
Okay he is, let his ass take the impact, lift your ass up, keep your legs above his
AHHH WE'RE SLIDIN-Oh that really wasn't that bad
Holy shit we're on the ground I'm alive we did it ow my armpits really hurt
Wow I have really bad rug burn on my armpit fat from the harness
I did it I'm never doing this again I'm never gonna do anything this dangerous ever again I've had my fill
Now I can go to the bathroom and wipe my ass properly
Oh nice, no stains in my underwear, nice
I didn't shit myself or throw up on the instructor, go self
Drive home weeee
Yay Pilotwings music man that was a cool game
r/skydiving is a funny place
Oh wow
Wow that's so cool
Lol he just fell off the helicopter byyyyyye
Oh wow he caught that shoe!
I wanna do what that guy just did
I kinda wanna do this again
But maybe on my own so I can flail in the air like a madman
Man I bet I could totally jump out of this plane how cool would that be
I'm gonna look up skydiving places when I get home
We are dumb, dumb animals.
I'm tired, let me take a nap
Oh god we're actually here
Oh god there are old-timey planes with propellers on the nose
Okay, other people survived their dive, that's good
Why am I paying hundreds of dollars to jump out of a plane this is the dumbest thing I've ever done
This waiver is listing all the ways in which I'm gonna die
You know what, I'm okay with dying here - I had a good last meal, and this is a badass way to go, we had a good run
I'm gonna be a statistic
"SKYDIVING IS NOT SAFE YOU ARE GOING TO DIE YOUR INSTRUCTORS ARE GROSSLY NEGLIGENT sign here"
Okay waiver has been signed, I need to take a shit
Poop's not coming out
Okay now watch this video that says the opposite of what the waiver was saying
Now lie on the ground and demonstrate how weak your core muscles are
Time to put on a harness
Oh god I really need to take a shit
Poop is coming out
How many times do I need to wipe holy shit
Am I gonna miss my plane because I was wiping for too long
Fuck it I'll just change underwear when I get home
Okay jumpsuit harness drop off phone wallet in small locker go go go
Oh god we're getting on a plane with no seats
Oh god the plane is moving and the door's still open
Fuck me why did I do this
We're taking off fuck fuck fuck fuck
This plane is rising FAST
My instructor is trying to make conversation
I wonder if he can see how much I'm freaking out
Are we there yet? Oh wait no we're not even halfway there
Fuck my shoe is untied I need to tie my shoe with these gloves on I don't want my shoe to fall off
Okay, breathe, calm, we can do this, mind over matter, come on
Oh wow we're above the clouds
That's a mountain peeking up above the clouds, woah
This is really cool
Oh god we're almost there aren't we
Fuck the light just went off
Oh fuck they're opening the door
DID THAT GUY JUST WALK OUT TO HANG ON THE SIDE OF THE PLANE HOLY SHIT
okay my friend just jumped out
Okay the other person ahead of me just jumped out
Who's next?
Is it me or him?
My instructor's scooting me forward towards the door
It's me isn't it
Uh well that's the door
Okay, remember your training, legs reach back to touch the plane
HOLY FUCK THIS WIND IS FAST I'M GONNA FALL OUT THERE'S NO WAY I CAN SIT HERE TO TOUCH THE PLANE HE'S PUSHING ME FORWARD I'M SLIPPING OUT FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK GRIP THE JUMPSUIT
AHDHSGSCEYSHEJDKSGSFADAFWRAGSHSBSTSCEJSKSVAGAFADADAFAVSHSUSHWHWHDBSHAHACASAGSHEBSGWHWH HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO STABILIZE MY LEGS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUIIUICK
FUCK THIS IS REAL WHY DID I DO THIS THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
BREATHE
BREATHE
STICK OUT YOUR ARMS
JUST BREATHE THIS IS GONNA BE OVER SOON JUST BREATHE AND YOU'LL LIVE AAAAAA BREATHE IN NOW BREATHE OUT NO BREATHE THROUGH YOUR TEETH NO JUST DO WHATEVER JUST BREATHE OH GOD CLOUDS I CAN'T BREATHE
ARE MY SHOES STILL ON YES GOOD BREATHE
FFFFFFFFFUCK THE PARACHUTE JUST OPENED
HOLY FUCK
I can talk!
Okay I don't know what to do with my arms just grip the jumpsuit oh god my legs are just dangling there am i gonna fall
Oh wow this view is amazing
Maybe don't look into the sunset and blind yourself though
Is my instructor seriously handing me the parachute handles casually like this
I can actually just reach out and grab these? I don't have to hang on to anything to avoid falling? Don't risk it, grip the jumpsuit with one hand while you reach for the handle
Okay I have both handles, oh wow this is like Pilotwings
Could we get the Pilotwings music playing?
I'm gonna listen to it when I get home
I can actually turn this thing, this is awesome (and really easy)
Okay instructor wants the handles back, grip jumpsuit again crap I can't reach
Okay he just pulled one handle really hard OH FUCK FUCK FUCK WE'RE GONNA DIE
THAT WASN'T FUNNY
Oh man the ground is approaching really fast
And that's where we're supposed to land
Oh god my hip mobility is so bad I don't know if I can do this
This is gonna be one of those injuries they warn you about in the waiver
My spine is gonna break on impact or some shit
I really hope instructor man tilts us up before landing
Okay he is, let his ass take the impact, lift your ass up, keep your legs above his
AHHH WE'RE SLIDIN-Oh that really wasn't that bad
Holy shit we're on the ground I'm alive we did it ow my armpits really hurt
Wow I have really bad rug burn on my armpit fat from the harness
I did it I'm never doing this again I'm never gonna do anything this dangerous ever again I've had my fill
Now I can go to the bathroom and wipe my ass properly
Oh nice, no stains in my underwear, nice
I didn't shit myself or throw up on the instructor, go self
Drive home weeee
Yay Pilotwings music man that was a cool game
r/skydiving is a funny place
Oh wow
Wow that's so cool
Lol he just fell off the helicopter byyyyyye
Oh wow he caught that shoe!
I wanna do what that guy just did
I kinda wanna do this again
But maybe on my own so I can flail in the air like a madman
Man I bet I could totally jump out of this plane how cool would that be
I'm gonna look up skydiving places when I get home
We are dumb, dumb animals.
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